What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 05:27
I was 9 years of age.
I have no regrets .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She wouldn,t have been !
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was scared of men, in general
How do I become a Buddhist, and can someone explain Buddhism to me?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My life is so biszare .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was very sick at this time too.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Do foreign workers face discrimination in Canada?
(And it was in our own minds.)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I waited trembling.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Is it possible to run away from home at 16? What are some essential items to bring for survival?
She loved him until the end.
She found it foreign!.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Ive learnt so much.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
˗ˋˏ ♡ ˎˊ˗ NEW WOMAN - analysis ˗ˋˏ ♡ ˎˊ˗
But ive been too sick for many years..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The only rule us 5 kids had .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
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Where the ultimate outsiders.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Why does cocaine makes me want to dress up and get fuck
I will be 64.
I said to her
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And i lived it daily.
He knew the spot.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Comes on , in middle age.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
So whats the point in blame.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Who then, do I blame.?
But, we were locked up after school.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But it wasn’t much.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She was in good health!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We all went to grammer schools
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I think the readers, may guess!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Put me off passion for life!!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
When she asked me how she looked .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She married twice! .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
As i do to all so called friends.?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I couldn’t, believe it.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
All the time i was locked up.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My family never makes their pension either.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
What did i know ?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I write beautiful poetry .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was seconnd youngest,
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
This is soul school!.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
One cannot live in the past .
Im still living with it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Why did i forgive my father ?
It was going to be , some day.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And who doesn’t know suffering?
We were not on the streets..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Would this be the day?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I don,t even have a pension.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I could never make a relationship work though!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
So, i spoilt her more .